


Twenty-Four Robbers

by Anonymous



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Texts From Last Night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-10-29 20:14:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10861281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Crack fics inspired by "Texts from Last Night" prompts. (Marked as complete because each stands on its own. I might add more someday.)





	1. homeless (Chewbacca to Han)

**Author's Note:**

> Some of these were originally posted on TFA kinkmeme a long time ago, but I figured I should branch out since I'm also doing Rogue One characters!

_I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable._

* * *

"Maz isn't _that_ bad," Han declared as he paced through the cruiser. The ceiling of the small ship wasn't cramping by human scale, but a Wookiee had to bend to climb into and out of the front seats, a fact that Chewbacca continually howled about.

Along with many other things.

"Okay, okay." Han stowed another load of cargo in the back. "Listen, when a--sapient being walks into a bar, if he hasn't gotten into _too_ much trouble by the first drink, people are going to flirt with him. Take it to heart."

Chewie growled, and punched at the computer.

"Well, she knows I'm married, see."

The engines hummed and muttered.

"Technically."

Chewbacca brought up a screen asking them to set coordinates, and Han paused in front of it. Impatient, Chewbacca began typing at it.

"No, 'anywhere that's not here' isn't a place."

Chewie glared.

"Look, just because I don't know the most profitable place to sell the kind of junk Maz collects doesn't mean it isn't valuable, okay? I'll bet you you could make a lot more money here, if you just gave her a chance."

Chewie held up both paws.

"Five credits."

Nod.

"All right, all right, we can get out of here."

(Neither of them followed up with the bet. What they had they shared, anyway, in good times and in bad. Besides, by the time they met up with anyone who'd ever dropped something off at Maz's cantina, all of those people seemed more relieved about having gotten rid of whatever they were toting around with them than the money they got for it.

And Lando Calrissian never knew how close their paths came to crossing then and there, still carrying a tiny piece of the weight of history, fallen from the sky into darkness.)


	2. the whole alphabet (Kylo to Rey)

_you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all_

* * *

"Are you sure you can trust him to open signals?" Finn asked, pacing the hallways of the outpost.

"'Trust' would be putting it too far, but I think he'll want to hear me out," Rey responded. "If I give a signal, be ready to cut communications immediately."

"On it," Finn said.

Rey received the hail. On the other end of the galaxy, Kylo Ren was seething amid a cramped First Order base. The temporary facility was much smaller and densely-packed than Starkiller, but just as prone to impromptu demolitions from his lightsaber.

"What," he demanded, "was the meaning of your last transmission?"

"Oh," said Rey, "I think you'll find the contents of that data are self-explanatory."

"We had a deal, you fool! A map containing the location of Skywalker's headquarters, in exchange for the safety of your droid."

"Of course. And I abided by it--my honor would have me do no less."

"That--file--is hardly a map?"

"It's a _very good_  map. Containing not only Skywalker's residence, but thousands and _millions_ of other planets, all carefully labeled with their corresponding suns. An encyclopedic resource, really, it's very impressive how much knowledge is publically available. Your computers should let you zoom to excellent detail!"

"Our computers," Kylo hissed, "will be inoperative for months _downloading_  this enormous file!"

"It's still a map," Rey repeated, "from a certain point of view."

Kylo turned his lightsaber on, smashing it through the communications console and severing the connection. The latest pair of Stormtroopers unfortunate enough to be put on patrolling duty sighed, recalculated their route around the office, and independently began to wonder how they could get reassigned somewhere safer, like an asteroid field.

"Is everything all right?" Finn asked. "Should I cut comms?"

"I think he's way ahead of you," said Rey.


	3. memorial day (Phasma to FN-2187)

_dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist_

* * *

"Er--excuse me," said FN-2187, "I had a question."

"Yes?" Phasma sighed.

"What sun are they using?"

"What?" she asked. Was this another crackpot scheme of Hux's about depowering stars.

"To measure the calendar, I mean."

"I don't understand."

"The holovids said it was appropriate to honor the courage displayed by our illustrious at this time of the year, but, I was wondering if that was a Hosnian solar year? Because they didn't seem to think very highly of the Hosnian system in general."

"The purpose of the observance is--"

"If it was for the Coruscantian system, or something like the Empire used, I could see why that would be admired by the reconstructionists--"

"What matters is that you display respect towards the fallen."

"The fallen, yes. Because of their--ideals? Their principles?"

"Their...courage in battle, yes."

"But only those fallen of the First Order."

"Well...yes."

"What about the heroes of the Empire? If Kylo Ren wants to reverence Darth Vader, is that within the scope of this observance?"

"FN-2187, as your commanding officer, I want to make sure you are...well-fed and rested for the day. Please report to the mess hall, and then return to your bunk."

It really seemed a waste to demand he imbibe mind-altering substances. The man had so much potential. For once in her otherwise illustrious career, Phasma briefly wondered if she'd overachieved on eroding his social connections with would-be peers.

He stared up at her, calculating silently, but only said "yes, ma'am" and paced off.

Phasma exhaled as he departed. Another laser dodged with that one, but she couldn't rest easily. He was already starting to ask uncomfortable questions about displays of public allegiance, and there were only two more weeks before Hux would try to do something stupid like make everyone commemorate First Order Flag Day.

 


	4. cousins (Finn to Rey and Kylo)

_you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off_

* * *

The fires of the sulfuric moon, Ousinjee, crackled and blazed. Above their acidic wastes, Rey focused with another burning passion, every bit as intense. Since learning that Luke Skywalker was her birth father, she had studied much of the ways of the Force under him. And as she had opened herself to the path of the light, the spirits of those who had used the Force before her had explained much of galactic history to her, so that she was better prepared to understand the significance of previous encounters. At last, the time had come to fulfill her destiny.

It was then that Finn walked in, looking around. "Um," he said. "Someone want to explain this?"

"Darth Vader fought on Mustafar, clad in robes as suits a proper dignified Sith lord!" yelled Kylo Ren, from behind the confines of a bulky mask. "In oppressive climes, a _true_  master of the Force never goes into a duel confined by needless sartorial baggage!"

"He's been refusing to face me until we were 'properly suited for the occasion,'" Rey sighed. "I didn't think his stall tactics could get any worse."

"I am no coward! Now that you have reclaimed your true heritage, surely you will not be afraid to face me like an equal!"

"...let me know if you need any help," Finn sighed.

"Chewbacca's already on it," Rey nodded, "but thank you!"

"Any time."

"Do you think you will hide from me forever by using your ancient desert garb as a trap? Come on now," said Kylo, offhandedly taking his lightsaber to an overhang.

"Hiding? I've been ready all day, you're just destroying your own stockade there," Rey mentioned. "If anything, it would have given me an advantage, but if you insist--"

"My training with Supreme Leader Snoke has given me the resilience necessary to overcome even this particular inexperience," Kylo vowed.

"Could be worse," Rey mouthed as Finn rolled his eyes, "it isn't Jakku, is it?"


	5. the picture (Kylo to Hux)

_You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad._

* * *

Kylo Ren stomped down the halls of Starkiller Base, only taking out two wall panels on his way. General Hux had promised that the weapon would be ready a week ago. Was it on schedule? Of course not. Did Snoke hold him accountable? Certainly not. Instead, the Supreme Leader continued to waste time and resources on the worthless project.

Furious, Ren reached out for the Force, which eluded his grasp until he focused on the Dark Side. It was not destruction he had in mind, however, but merely observance through the walls (ones that he hadn't taken a lightsaber to). Secluded in his quarters, was Hux wasting more of the First Order's expenses?

Curious. If Ren hadn't known better, he would have thought Hux were meditating; the general was seated on the floor, peacefully murmuring in soft tones. Several empty bottles of refreshments from the mess hall were stacked on the table next to him, as if crystals helping him focus. And across the room...was that...a wanted holovid of an enemy of the First Order? Ren would recognize the branding from far off. Could it be a representation of Poe Dameron? Of a kooky old mystic like Lor San Tekka? Or a feared commander such as--and Ren gave a shudder--Leia Organa herself? Perhaps it was merely a smuggler who might deal with resistance traders, and Hux really had better targets to try to eliminate first, but of course an idiot like him wouldn't know any better.

Ren finally focused, and then shuddered. Then he retched. Then he wished he'd learned more about meditation to shut off his mind entirely.

Then he realized the opportunity he had.

FORM E-12: FIRST ORDER WHISTLEBLOWING PROGRAM  
IDENTIFICATION NUMBER/NAME OF INFORMANT: Ren, Kylo  
IDENTIFICATION NUMBER/NAME OF INDIVIDUAL(S) REPORTED: Hux, General*  
*see attached "expanded universe" enclosure re: does he actually have a first name? This is outside of my pay grade.  
TIMESTAMP: subject to local planetary orbital periods**  
**why does our dating system revolve around a battle leading to the Galactic Empire's downfall? This feels uninspiring  
SUPPORTING DOCUMENTATION: n/a; I invite any Force-sensitive superior to share my memories (and then purge them)  
DESCRIPTION OF EVENT: For a sustained period of time, made romantic overtures to unresponsive image of known rogue and vagabond Han Solo. While the general's sexual tastes are none of my concern, this represents an unacceptable delay in weaponry construction.

FORM E-12: FIRST ORDER WHISTLEBLOWING PROGRAM  
IDENTIFICATION NUMBER/NAME OF INFORMANT: Hux, #1*  
*What? It identifies me. Nobody else is number one around here.  
IDENTIFICATION NUMBER/NAME OF INDIVIDUAL(S) REPORTED: Ren, Kylo  
TIMESTAMP: pretty much every week  
SUPPORTING DOCUMENTATION: I'll have a droid take a picture the next time he forgets to put a wall back up  
DESCRIPTION OF EVENT: Talking to hallucinations of long-dead grandfather, keeping an ashtray around in defiance of health and sanitation codes, and generally being a superstitious kook. (Not to mention all the "interior redesign" I know Phasma reports every other month and you've never followed up on, I don't know why she still bothers.)

FORM T-78: SECRET COMMAND COMMUNIQUE

Kylo Ren and General Hux,

Congratulations on being willing to sell each other out over increasingly petty non-issues and/or commandments I myself have given to your fellow comrades-in-arms. Ren, it gives me pleasure to know you have opened yourself to the Dark Side of the Force. Hux, I am relieved to know you are paying attention to activities outside your immediate delegatory purview. Both of you may consider yourselves qualified to wear the next level of military or ceremonial decorations you were promised for successful campaigns.

Now get that weapon online, without sabering the rest of the base in the process.

Most sincerely,  
Supreme Leader Snoke.


	6. No better way (Imperial communications, redacted)

_No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens_

* * *

 

Luke Skywalker logged onto the holonet. It was another boring day on Tatooine, helping out around the farm and dreaming of the sky. Despite all the lightspeed delays, at least using the slow computer let him reach out and make connections with people across the galaxy. Somewhere, there would be a friend who lived a more interesting life than the endless sand dunes.

_Hi,_ he wrote. _Just a human man from the Outer Rim. Love talking about spaceships and hearing about all the galaxy has to offer! :D_

_Hey,_ a stranger replied shortly thereafter. _Do you like kyber? ;)_

_Well, not very often,_ Luke admitted, _but I hear some hermits around here collect really cool crystal relics! What about you? Have you seen any of the massive rock formations?[/i]_

_*typo oops_

What could he mean by that? "Do you, _luke_ , kyber"? It wasn't displaying his real name, was it? Uncle Owen had gotten angry with him when he tried to sign up for the chat rooms and told him not to use his full name, it was dangerous to give strangers personal information, but Aunt Beru just rolled her eyes and said it was only natural for a young man to want to make new friends. As long as he used a pseudonym, it would be fine. _No problem,_ he typed cautiously.

_I mean, do you like to roleplay,_ the chatter wrote back.

_Oh yeah!_ Luke happily typed back. _I used to GM a game of "Sarlaccs and Star Destroyers" for my friends until they moved away and took all our d20s._

_Um, right. But, did you come here looking for...hot guys._

_Not in particular. My homeworld is uncomfortably warm as it is. What about yours?_

_Chilly. I'm looking for someone to light a fire in my engine._

_Do you have an engine? Like, of your own ship? What kind?_

_Nothing too exciting._

_Come on, I get excited when I hear about any kind of ship! Tell me more._

_Oh, gosh. Um, it was nice chatting with you, maybe I'll catch you some other time._

Bodhi Rook hurriedly closed out the workstation and sighed as he left his desk. Once again, even the net provided no relief from the daily grind. Life in the Empire was really a drag.


	7. hole in the wall (Melshi to Mon Mothma)

_did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15_

* * *

"So let me get this straight," Melshi asked over the radio transponder. "You want me to go to Wobani, to rescue someone going by the alias of 'Liana Hallik'."

"Correct," said Mon Mothma, on the other end.

"Because our scanty intelligence forces, based mainly on the testimony of a raving extremist from Gerrera's gang, have led you to believe that she is in fact the daughter of Galen Erso, Imperial weapons specialist."

"Precisely."

"And you have no reason to believe that, even if she is related to Erso, they have been in contact for the past, oh, standard decade or so."

"None except for trust and the fact that we don't have any better leads--"

Melshi interrupted her. "And you wish to recruit this putative informant on the rumored chance that Erso senior has, in fact, had a change of heart, and she might be able to lead us to him."

"Indeed."

"Via the zealot Gerrera."

"That's the gist of it."

"And we have no firsthand indication that she is actually a useful military asset to the cause, beyond this?"

"Not in so many words."

"So _this_  is the reason I am being sent to the Western Wobani Detention Center?"

"Ah," said Mon Mothma, "no, nobody is going to the Western Wobani Detention Center."

"I'm  _not_?" Melshi raged. "K-2SO specifically calculated the probability of successfully attempting a stealth landing..."

"Ms. Hallik has already tried and failed to break out of that facility on three separate occasions. The last coming so close to success that the concerned officials in charge are attempting to transport her to the Southern High-Security Panopticon. Your mission--if you can be convinced into tolerating it--will be to intercept them in transit."

"She scared the _wardens_ of _Western Wobani_?"

"Apparently so."

"Well why didn't you say so in the first place!" said Melshi. "I'll be right over."

* * *

 


End file.
